Friday, October 15, 2010

Luckier Pierre Rider

I did not write this. But, I wanted to share it because it's hilarious.

LUCKIER PIERRE RIDER

We are dreading this imminent fiasco and we are so much better than this gig. maybe you can make it up to us by running around getting totally unnecessary shit.
that way we can hassle you from New Orleans SEO the moment we show up about presales and towels and parking and maybe you won't notice that we are incapable of writing one good song ever.

in order to ensure a smooth and quality performance by luckier pierre these arrested-pubescent proto-millennials require alot of stuff that you need to get them.
If you don't they'll tell their moms.

provide the following now goddammit.

Breakfast. LP requires that YOU eat a hearty breakfast. Vegetarian and at least two cups of Coffee.

TRANSPORTATION- we require a 7 passenger Cadillac limousine and a sober driver who knows his way out of town. tip him.

DRESSING ROOM- this is LP home while in your building. Their homes are nice (not that you'll ever go there) so get to work.

We want to maximize our environmental impact so we want tons of plastic and styrofoam cups etc.
Make up mirror. Well lit.
Reusable china. No wait China is evil. Well embrace it.
2 large couches for napping.
separate room for dancers. please provide dancers.
no food in dressing room! these dudes are strict vegans who must eat every 45 minutes and then leave the hummus Songe SEO out to stink up the place. last time they hid the shrimp plate above the ceiling tiles and the E.A.R.L. in Atlanta still smells like a seafood market dumpster.
ok, maybe some Popeyes.

WEDNESDAY- please provide 4 pair black gap socks size 10-13 US.

separate room for wardrobe.

VENUE must provide MASTER OF CEREMONIES who must be armed. If a private security firm is used we must tour the D-Day museum together no later than 3pm!

LUCKIER PIERRE IS NOT REQUIRED TO PERFORM BEFORE A SEGREGATED AUDIENCE.

Please advise all employees of the "circle bar" or wherever the fuck, not to meet eyes or speak to the "ARTISTS". We bring our own booze.

We play industrial gospel lesbian bluegrass, we're not "people" people.

AFTER the show (after you're all like "what happened?") get used to your newly arranged DNA by getting us out the door post haste.

If you have any questions save them for your therapist or guru or whoever. I think they'll find them fascinating.

I just want to type "need" and "require" and "must provide" again. "it is imperative" shit like that.

I forgot SOUND CHECK- it'll be us dragging around, arguing and finding the perfect spot for our guitar center electronics and shit. please tell your "sound technician" genius to stand by quietly or get us some water. As soon as he steps off we are going to yell for him so he needs to wait there the entire time like some fucking stage side gargoyle while we reprogram our loop station (if you know what i mean) Then we'll play our entire set 3 times without ever once acknowledging him . WE DO SOUNDCHECK AFTER THE SHOW.

Thanks for nothing. Say "cheers" to me. I dare you.